From the Perspective of a Survivor
I never have written about my experiences with domestic violence and i’m not sure why. It’s not because I’m afraid of my abuser or wish to not to speak of it. Quite the opposite, in fact. I’m quite vocal about my experiences and share often with the hopes that I may help someone who suffers in silence. Why I’ve never used my blog as a platform to discuss it is beyond me. I suppose, the right topic hasn’t tweaked my creativity. However, Amanda Marcotte over at Pandagon brought up an interesting topic regarding domestic abuse. She discusses the new book written by Evan Stark entitled, Coersive Control asks the question, “Why do women stay?” and how the focus needs to shift from veiwing women as a perpetual victim to addressing the desire for men to be controlling and abusive towards women.
The book discusses the constant questions victims get such as: “Why didn’t you just leave the minute he hit you?” question or “You knew he was a loser, why did you stay so long?” that one gets from some people after they reveal they are a survivor. I have heard all of them, some from my own family members. Few have ever said that it wasn’t entirely my fault for being in such a relationship. Most have said I should have known better. Though it is generally thought that my ex is an asshole, the blame has never ever shifted to entirely the fault of him. I have always had a hand in the decision to stay with him, after all, I controlled my own fate, didn’t I?
No, actually, I didn’t. I don’t believe that it was my fault anymore. None of it was. The tactics my ex used to instill fear in me even after I had left were part of his desire to control me. I know now, after years of dealing with him and his abusiveness that I was never to blame for anything that happened. It was always him and that is what needs to be addressed.
What I have learned is that abuse often starts on a small scale, sometimes never actually escalating to physical violence until after the perp has married his victim, causing the victim to actually believe that there is no way out. I know that my ex did this by systematically breaking me down until I believed everyone thought I was worthless. When I married him, he escalated his abuse to physical beatings and I was stuck in a perpetual circle of violence, apologies, good behavior and violence again.
I eventually left, but it took a few more women to help me do it.
The abuse didn’t stop when I returned home to my family. They punished me for not listening to them and marrying him by constantly reminding me that I had “made a mistake” and “should have listened” in the first place. It was hard to actually leave the situation because I knew I was destined to face the “I told you so!” mentality which drives the pain of abuse even further. It’s been ten years later, I’m remarried to a patient and wonderful man who recognizes that I am still and always will be healing on some point–but knows that I’m not a victim, nor was I ever to blame for what happened to me.
Abuse is so complex that the decision to leave an abusive man is tough for so many reasons. Had I not been empowered by a few well meaning women willing to hide me until the coast was clear, I don’t think I would have done it as soon as I did. My family simply denied that I wasn’t at fault. They blamed me for all the violence that happened. Despite my father being a wonderful man, he still constantly asked me “Why did you marry him?” It was so hard for him to accept my long winded, often technical explanation that I simply said, “Dad, you know, I don’t think there is one answer. Just be grateful that I came home and changed my life for the better.”
When I decided that I was going to remarry to a exceptional man, my family continued the blame game and refused to acknowledge our engagement, stating covertly that I wasn’t ready to make such a step. I will admit that I was rather unconventional in bringing my current husband into my life, so some scrutiny was merited. The extent at which they refused to acknowledge my ability to judge for myself was a bit extensive. In the end, the fight to stop people from painting me as a helpless victim unable to make important decisions was a long, tough road. Sadly, I still answer the question, “Why didn’t you just leave after the first hit?” or the ever popular, “Why didn’t you fight back or kick him in the nuts?”
Not that easy, I say, and explain why it was so difficult to leave. In the end, I won having cut my abuser out my life forever through the proper legal channels. Some “men’s rights’ advocates will scoff at the fact that I cut “my babies daddy” our of her life, but they might believe that his watching her take a shower at age 8 was acceptable. Nooo, suckers. It wasn’t and NO argument will ever change my mind about that. My life will never be the same and I’ll never feel completely safe even though I haven’t seen or heard from him in nearly 4 years. I still will look over my shoulder everywhere I go until I know that he has met his untimely demise.
and I’m not to blame for it.
June 12th, 2007 at 1:44 pm
Very nice post. Most folks won’t understand what you are saying, but I can’t think of a better way to put it.
June 12th, 2007 at 3:54 pm
Beautifully worded. Your willingness to go “internet-public” is awesome. And told-you-so is really the last thing you need to hear when you finally do reach for a way out. “Why didn’t you leave the second it happened?”…I don’t think there IS an answer to that one, not one you can give the uninitiated. That’s followed closely by the “Why didn’t you tell someone?” that survivors of sexual abuse hear. Both situations are abusive, both shut down the part of you that knows you don’t deserve it, and both get the same incredulous questions later on. I never found an answer to the latter, either.
Take it from me, it is entirely inappropriate for a grown man to watch an 8-year-old girl take a shower. I’d worry about anyone who said it was okay! The first thing I’d ask is why would a normal adult male have an interest in watching? I’m glad you went with your instinct (and more parents should). Since abuse is a control mechanism and he already established his lack of boundaries and need to control YOU, I’d hazard a guess that it was only a matter of time before that same lack of boundaries/need to control bled over into his relationship with your daughter, and good for you for picking up on that.
June 12th, 2007 at 4:22 pm
Sorry for your experience. I do think, when folks try to be supportive, there can be a fine line between trying to empower someone to leave a bad situation, or move past it, and blaming the person. That said, there’s no question in this case of who the villain is. There’s no question of where culpability lies, and nothing you did or didn’t do excuses your ex-husband’s actions. I don’t know you or your family, but it also sounds like they focused mostly on the practical issues and not much on your feelings, because I imagine you must have been terrified, could have used more support, and the suggestion that you kick your ex in the nuts seems dangerously out-of-touch with the likely consequences. Yeesh. Again, sorry, and also for having to look over your shoulder, but I’m glad you and your daughter are free from what sounds like a horrible, soul-crushing home environment.
June 12th, 2007 at 4:53 pm
[…] A great post from a survivor of an abusive marriage, addressing the issue of “why do women stay?” and how responses to a survivor are often just victim-blaming instead of true support. […]
June 12th, 2007 at 6:29 pm
It’s interesting that I still get these questions, even from women who claim to be feminists and m “best friends”.
In the end, it was my current husband that was the most supportive person in my healing. Although I was nearly 7 years divorced when we got together, committing to a stable, healthy relationship was difficult. He was willing to stick it out and deal with the shit that came with being married to a survivor of some serious shit. Luckily, his father offered wisdom and he was willing to fight for a relationship he believed in.
it has been nearly five years and I;ll say that without him, I wouldn’t be here–I would be some lonely cat lady with issues.
Not all women can say they’ve been as lucky. I have chaired groups of troubled teens that were or have experienced abusive relationships and hope that I served as the exception to those who feel compelled to return or enter into another abusive relationship. being the mother of a daughter–I’m driven to continue speaking out about what happened in the hopes that the culture will shift their focus on the victim mentality and realize that some men need help dealing with their feelings towards women.
this all being said–I finally, after two years, will be embarking on my honey moon. I’ll post why later…
June 13th, 2007 at 10:39 am
this all being said–I finally, after two years, will be embarking on my honey moon. I’ll post why later…
Congratulations! Have fun!
June 14th, 2007 at 9:10 am
I was really riveted by your story and it makes me heartsick to hear about the bad times and heartglad to hear how you’ve come to such a better place.
I’m not sure this is appropriate, in fact I’m pretty sure it’s not, but I wonder if you’ll let me ask a couple more questions. Please excuse me if I step on your toes; I’m trying to get a better understanding of where you’re coming from, but I think I may be making some mistakes on the way there.
Your family’s response is troubling. If I think about, _of course_ the right thing to say is “We’re so sorry you got hurt, and we’re going to help you get better any way we can”
And I’m grateful for you writing this because, if I DIDN’T think about it, I might sound just like them. I hear you saying, “Don’t ask me why. I just couldn’t leave” but I’m not sure I understand it all the way.
Here’s how I’ve been trying to understand what you say. The parallel I see is to alcoholism; it’s hard to think of something as a disease when someone is physically capable of stopping drinking (the part of alcoholism that causes problems) at any time.
That is, if a nonalcoholic drinker and an alcoholic are in the middle of a night of drinking and see that things are going out of control, the non-alcoholic can stop drinking and the alcoholic, regardless of physical capabilities, just can’t.
In the same way, given two couples, a habitually abusive one and one that isn’t, and two women get beaten, the one who hasn’t been beaten before (or emotionally beaten for a long time before either) can probably leave the next day, and the one who has been habitually abused can’t leave. Something has happened in the course of the emotional abuse that has changed the abused person and made her unable to react the way the woman who was not abused would. Does that make sense?
I bring this up because I’m looking for something that explains a little more to me than “you know, I don’t think there is one answer”.
The reason people ask those hurtful questions ,the reason assholes like me GO ON asking those questions, is that you’ve done something they can’t understand. To most people who haven’t been emotionally abused, it seems obvious that if someone hits you, you either hit back or run away. When an abuser stays, or goes back, they’ve done something very clearly different than what everyone expects– than what seems to make obvious sense. I hear you saying that it’s nowhere near that simple, and I believe you. And I also know that if I don’t think very carefully before I speak, I’m likely to ask those offensive questions myself. I’m trying to understand what you’re saying so I don’t end being hurtful.
Something that makes sense to me (And tell me if it makes sense to you, or if you think there’s a better way to think about this, or if I’m just being TOO dense) might be “Two things happened: First he broke me down psychologically, so that the decisions I made weren’t the ones I would have made before. It was kind of like alcoholism in that I didn’t really have control over all the decisions I made. And second– he beat me. By the time the actual hitting came, I was too changed by the emotional abuse to react the way everyone expects.”
I’m trying to think about being abused in terms of getting a disease instead of having character flaws or being at fault. Does this make sense with your experiences, or can you think of a better way to express it?
June 20th, 2007 at 9:53 am
[…] trackback If only we lived in a society where the above statement was uncontroversial, but as TheHolyFatMan explains, we have a tendency to blame those who have suffered from domestic abuse (she cautions against the […]
June 22nd, 2007 at 9:50 am
You’re right. There isn’t an answer. My mom married a guy after she divorced my dad who did a complete mental mindf**k on all of us. It took her 13 years to get out of it. It’s taken all of us, my mom, my sister, and me, even longer to get over it. My grandmother will still ask me and ask my mom “Why why why?” and you know, low self-esteem or something, not knowing any better and all that…but mostly…there isn’t an answer.